I've only been a member for a short couple of months too. I have found this to be the best thing I've done for myself in a long time. I have gotten so much care and understanding from all of the members. I think that there are a lot of members who do not post, or who post infrequently, but I sense their presence in the group. Of those who do post frequently I have found great wisdom and kindness. I know you will too. I'm looking forward to hearing from you all.
Member
Support For Women Coming Out SFWCO

I recently joined this group. So far I've gotta say that it has been the best thing I've done for myself in a long time. I can relate to the feeling of wanting someone to talk to in person, but I am very, very grateful for this Email group. I feel like I stood at the top of a mountain and JUMPED! I am now somewhere in the falling (flying, floating) part of my journey. I trust that I am going to have a peaceful and joyous landing. Thank you for creating this group. It has meant so much to me. It really feels like a life line.
DJ
Member Support For Women Coming Out SFWCO

I turned to this group when I met my Melissa, and I think you guys were the first ones I told when I came out to my family.....Well, Melissa and I will celebrate our 3rd Anniversary next month, we both finished school (I got my degree in photography). We moved a little bit south, to the San Jose area because M got transferred for her job, and I am starting up a photography business.

When I first came to this site, I didn't know too many lesbians, but I have managed to meet some very beautiful women who are now my closest friends, and I no longer feel scared that someone might browse this website and figure out who I am. 

Coming out is a strange thing. I have been taking it on a case-by-case basis. I don't bring it up if no one asks, but if they ask, I will tell them. Sometimes my rainbow belt gives it away. But I have never had any bad reactions. Just last week, when we met our new neighbor, she asked us if we were sisters... I think we both laughed and just said "no" and left it at that. An hour later, the neighbor came over and offered us a bottle of wine. She apologized for offending us (even though neither of us were offended) and said "I knew Melissa is gay, but you just don't look it, so I didn't know." 

The world is changing. Imagine. Someone apologizing for assuming you are Straight! 

Anyway, I just wanted to check in, see how everyone is doing, and let anyone who is just coming into this phase of their life know that I am a success story... if you do a search for Jane, you will see my stories..... a long way from where I was three years ago, but still happy and in love!
Jane
Member Support For Women Coming Out SFWCO

I  just joined the group last week and wanted to let you all know that I'm in awe of the caring responses, creativity, and courage of the woman in this group. I have been feeling very isolated, not really knowing any other lesbians where I live, and it's been incredible to sit down and read these emails. I'm lucky to live in an area where there is an active and relatively accepted gay and lesbian community, but I'm not a naturally outgoing person and I guess I'm having trouble taking the first step to meet other women. I would really appreciate if anyone wanted to share stories about how they have met other lesbians in their areas. I'm not looking for a relationship yet (although I guess I wouldn't mind if it happened) but would love to find a few lesbian friends. Thanks for your help and support!
Heather
Member Support For Women Coming Out SFWCO

I  joined the SFWCO group in the summer of 2009 as a mid-30’s wife, mother and educated professional who had finally worked up the courage to seek conversation with others. I found that my story was very similar to many women in the group, and it certainly gave me the confidence to make the decision to finally come out.

I’ve been out for 1.5 years to my (now) ex-spouse, my children (7&11) and my immediate family, friends and co-workers. I’m very happy and in a relationship with a wonderful, bright woman, and I wonder every day why it took me so long to get here to this level of self-actualization.

I still often face the questioning stigma of being a  woman who transitioned mid-life from an exterior heterosexual orientation, and I guess that would be the angle for my experience. I thank the SFWCO group, and Tracey and Kathy’s books, for helping me build the confidence in my own questioning thoughts to get where I am now.
Kelly S.
South Dakota

I am very thankful for Tracey Stevens and her online group Support For Women Coming Out (SFWCO). I joined in 2007 when I came out of denial and acknowledged that I am a lesbian, then I got scared and I distanced myself from the group in an effort to stay in the closet.

The next three years were challenging and ended with being arrested for driving under the influence. I went into treatment and realized I was drinking to not deal with my sexuality and decided I needed to find acceptance and move forward.

I found my way back to Tracey’s group in October 2009 and have been a regular part of SFWCO ever since. I recently had the greatest gift of going to Asheville and meeting Tracey and her partner Kathy and some other group members who were able to make the trip. The group has given me so much and I will be forever grateful. I am moving forward in my coming out process, and I would not be who and where I am today without Tracey and her SFWCO group.

Tracey¹s story is inspiring. She overcame so much in her life and she is the bravest and strongest woman I know. Her heart is huge and her compassion for all people is endless. I feel the Universe sent her to me and I treasure her and support all she does to help women worldwide. I still have healing to do and obstacles to face but her group and continued support encourage me and give me hope and strength. I am blessed to know Tracey and call her my friend.   She has helped countless women and continues to work hard and volunteer so much of her time to support and keep all the members in SFWCO safe. She is AMAZING and has a beautiful heart and soul.
Lisa S.
Portland, OR

This past summer, I turned 45 and all hell broke loose - that inner me wanted to come out. It has been a truly overwhelming feeling/process at times. Fortunately, I got myself into therapy and the woman I am working with is truly awesome. The second thing that has helped me find a little measure of peace is your website and support group. I only found you guys about a month ago but it has been like a balm to my soul. Truly. When the thoughts in my head get too much, I either find myself journaling or reading the message board. They both work equally well in calming me down. I don't feel alone on my journey - what peace to know that there LOTS of other women like me.
Paula
Member Support For Women Coming Out SFWCO

First off, it is NOT a choice to be gay or not to be gay! No one would choose to be something that ostracizes them from a large portion of the population and that gives them little to no protections under the law for their loved ones. That said, I wouldn't choose to be different even if there was a choice to be made! Sorry, it really irks me when someone makes such an uneducated statement. A little research would tell him he is wrong.

Now, here is my opinion, not advice, just an opinion based on my own situation. I too wanted kids and in my therapy session that I recently had..that is something new for me, therapy... I admitted that in part that is why I wanted to marry. In fact, I had a girlfriend of several years when we got married. I was still in love with her at that time even.

Now, the 'right' thing to do once I married him was to stay married and keep that 'normal' family going... three kids, mommy, daddy, cat, dog, big house, blah blah blah... but no one ever mentioned being 'happy' or 'miserable' in that equation. It is very much about the appearances of what it is supposed to look like and not what it is supposed to feel like. And I too was miserable!!! There was no real love there. Now don't get me wrong... I did love him for a time as a person and even thought I was 'in love' with him but it was never enough and never could have been.

I left two years ago after almost 15 years of marriage and honey it was the best decision for not only me, but for my kids as well. He is still a part of their lives. The difference is that they have a happier mom and a happier father now. Both of us are in relationships and living our lives the way that is best for us. I am outgoing and I get to go and do things with people now. He is a hermit and he lives that lifestyle. The children no longer have a bad relationship where people don't talk to each other and show no affection toward each other as their example of how it should be.

I think I did those kids much more harm by staying in that marriage and having them think that that is how it is supposed to be then by leaving. It is NOT an easy decision to make and I did not do it lightly, nor am I suggesting that you should. I am just saying, look at this from the aspect of your happiness.

Step back and look at it from your kids point of view. When your daughter or son looks at your marriage, what are they learning about relationships??? Is it healthy???

Follow your head as well as your heart and you will do what is best for you and the kids in the long run. Just don't push your needs aside. It isn't selfish to want to be happy."
Tara
Member Support For Women Coming Out SFWCO

You have no idea how you helped me through this journey. I know that I'm not yet totally out, but I know I'll soar high because I found my wings--wings that I didn't even know were there--just waiting for me to spread so that I can fly!
Member
Support For Women Coming Out SFWCO

I thought I would try to contribute some of my own experiences of coming out with something of a Canadian perspective and experience. I’ll jump right in with a bit about me:

I am 33 and I have been with the man I am now married to for nearly thirteen years. I am a mother, and I have recently (within the past year) come out as gay to my husband, along with many of my friends and some of my family.

Thoughts about being attracted to women were not a new thing to me, and I can probably trace my first same-sex attraction back to about age eight, but I had no exposure to same sex relationships or lifestyles and therefore didn’t understand my own feelings. I put them away for a very long time and just lived “as expected.”

What has been new within this past year is the depth of personal exploration, introspection, and self-acceptance. I have pulled away the layers of “expected” behaviour and thought patterns and really gone looking for the true person that I am. I think I have found her, and I do believe that she’s a lesbian. Accepting and embracing this about myself has made me feel whole finally, even though I never knew exactly what in my life seemed out of balance or missing. The catalyst to my digging deeper within myself was a relationship with another woman that I was (and still am) in.

Back in the summer of 2010, I was feeling very confused and unsure about my feelings for her and about my feelings for myself. I went in search of information about questioning sexuality and/or recognizing if you are a lesbian and I found a support group online called Support For Women Coming Out.

I joined up with this group and found a lot of support, and a LOT of inspiring women and stories. Even though I felt as though I had found an incredible community of women who understood my confusion, for quite some time I still did feel very unique and somewhat alone in my situation, because I was still in my marriage with no plans to leave. I didn’t know whether I was bisexual or lesbian or just really mixed up.

Over the months, I kept up with many of the other women in the SFWCO group, reading their stories and experiences on coming out, and also looking through online resources that Tracey and Kathy had pointed me to at their website AmazingDreamsPublishing.com.

I finally found that I’m not alone, there really are quite a few other women out there just like me, and all of us are finding our own ways to understand and accept ourselves. It was crucial to me to have support and to know that I wasn’t by myself, and it was OK to feel the way I was feeling. In the past eight months, I have come out to my mother who has been hugely supportive though concerned; my sister, my father and step-mother, and much of my religious ; and obviously my husband.

I am extremely lucky to live in an area where I can be who I am, and live the life that is right for me without fear. I can walk down the street, or through the marketplace, and hold my girlfriend’s hand. I can go out with her, kiss her in public, or introduce her as my girlfriend and not worry about much in terms of negative backlash. It’s not to say that I don’t still face homophobia or ignorance sometimes, but living in Canada I know I am protected, and I am free to be who I am. If it weren’t for such security and protection, I don’t think I would dare to be as bold as I am about my life and my relationships.
A.L.
Canada

This support group means the world to me. I was in the depths of hell when I came across the website and requested membership. I was also very close to committing suicide as I felt I had no where to turn. This group changed it all. The members gave me a reason to hope, to want to go on, and most important of all I was able to get hooked up with a Therapist....My life is a million times better! I am stronger, and for the first time in 23 years, I am happy! Today I turned 47 but in many ways it's a real 'birth day.' I am in control of my life and loving every minute of it.
Nancy
Member Support For Women Coming Out SFWCO

Ginger
Member Support For Women Coming Out SFWCO
 

In September I had the opportunity to travel to NC to meet some of the amazing women who had provided support for me and my two children and meeting them in person was the reality I needed to put everything into full motion in my life.

Tracey and Kathy have been amazingly supportive throughout the entire process of my coming out, leaving my husband and taking care of two very young children. They are amazing women that provide support for so many without ever asking for anything in return.

The SFWCO group provides support for those of us who are still unable to come out completely due to job security and family relationships, and it provides a place for us to be able to question and brain storm over our life issues. Many of us have children and family relationships to protect and some even have their personal safety to consider--some of those who live in closed countries where they have to hide that they are even on the site, much less what the true meaning of the group is.

The SFWCO is like a family and it is nice to know that there are always women who are there to support me regardless of what they may think of my life decisions.
Jane
Atlanta, GA

The help I have gotten from the SFWCO group is priceless....support is just a word, but they have given it true meaning in my humble opinion. Where society would chastise and condemn me for my all too human feelings, The members of SFWCO listen, understand, and share their all too familiar experiences; they encourage, empower: With their support, I have been able to get to a place of love and honesty within myself, grow more confident each day in my decisions and in communicating to the people in my life.   They have given me back hope for standing in who I am, and assisted me in revealing what matters to each and every one of us, unconditional love and acceptance.  Without the sage advice i’ve gotten I speculate that I wouldn’t have kept it together as I have.

Truth of the matter is, no amount of psychoanalysis would compare. Connecting to other women whose souls sing similar songs, have helped me to understand on a personal level, that my husband and my loved ones are responsible for their own feelings, and their own happiness. Whether in the context of sexual orientation or just dynamics of human behavior in general, I have to take care of my own feelings, think for myself and not fall into the codependent patterns that have crippled  my true sense of being for as long as I can remember.

Enough could not be said about Tracey and Kathy--the founders/co-owners, who selflessly and tirelessly volunteer their precious time, devoting themselves to helping women by offering them a safe place to get real-time, authentic, caring, thoughtful and kind support.  The members are from all over the world.

These ladies have given voice to an amazingly large group of women.  I see dozens of new members sign up on a monthly basis.  That cannot be an anomaly! 

SFWCO offers support and validation to women who are attracted to other women, as well as those who are not sure of why they may develop or have developed feelings for a particular girlfriend.  It is a tragedy that society would believe the conflated theories of mainstream homophobes, rather than work to understand that there is such a thing as love between human beings regardless of gender.
Kal
San Diego, CA

By the time I was 35, I still had absolutely no idea why I felt such physical animosity toward him. The thought of being a lesbian hadn’t ever crossed my mind until I befriended a work colleague. She has been with her partner for more than 12 years now.  I met a friend of theirs, a lesbian woman; and before I knew it I was experiencing a lot of attention from her. I became very confused, and began to question my sexuality. I brushed it off of me, denied any correlation between having romantic feelings for this woman.

A year or so later I befriended another woman - a few years younger than me, a single mother of 3, who was openly gay. It wasn’t a sexual attraction, more like an emotional one–the kind where I felt as if this girl was the best friend I was waiting for all my life. Once again I found myself in a flurry of romantic emotions.  Our friendship slowly faded due to distance and the fact that I live a married hetero lifestyle. At this point my relationship with my husband was becoming more and more difficult.

Around 2 years ago I met a woman in a fitness class. We got to know each other and we were both having marriage issues. She was separated from her soon to be ex-husband.  He had cheated on her for many years with other women when he was away on business.  It devastated her and she opted for a divorce because she cannot trust him to be monogamous. 

We fast became friends, and shared many personal things with each other. She and I connected in such a way that we cannot explain. At first I had the biggest crush on her. I knew I loved her from the moment I met her (it’s crazy I know).  But as it turns out, she is “not into women.”  The difference here is that she and I are still drawn to each other, and feel like our relationship was just meant to be.

Meanwhile, I had begun going to individual counseling in order to work thru my unhappiness. Of course at this point neither my best friend or my husband had any idea that I was on the verge of realizing that I was in fact a woman who loves other women. After about 6 months of counseling, it was time I had a serious conversation with my husband. 

Remember the 4 feet of snow last winter?  Well, the nite before the storm my husband decided to confront me about my avoidance and my obvious distance from him.  It was the hardest thing I had ever done. At first I confessed to him I was afraid to tell him my feelings. Of course he wanted to hear them anyway.  So I told him that I love him, but I do not love him the way a wife should love her husband. 

That knocked the wind right out of him...and me. It was emotionally heart-breaking, and I felt guilty, but it was an opportunity to get him to go to marriage counseling with me, so we can figure out what to do together. 

The next day things got worse, he was angry, bitterly printing out divorce papers and stuff.  I felt worse.  Then he came to me and asked me if I had told him everything. I asked what he meant by that. He started in with my best friend “I know you are attracted to her. You had those lesbian friends...is that it? are you one of them?”

It was like an interrogation, and finally I couldn’t hide it anymore, and I told him it might be true. That was quite the conversation - he went into this total homophobic rant - polarizing me, unfairly making me feel like I was a traitor or just a confused woman who has absolutely no will of her own. He put the blame on my friend’s divorce situation, and then accused her of being the reason I wanted a divorce. Suffice to say, he was just as messed up about things as I was. 

Reluctantly, he went to counseling with me. We were able to dig into some issues around trust, control, jealousy, negativity and lack of communicating feelings to each other. My sexuality seemed to be in the forefront of his mind.

I told him that it was no fault of his or of my own.  No one sets out to become or choose to be gay, no more than he chose to be heterosexual, and sex does not a well-rounded marriage make.  This experience of conditional love (you better never leave me - you better give me everything I will ever need or else)  is not the kind of love I wanted to endure for the rest of my life.

Despite that, I have been in no hurry to get a divorce - because I still care deeply about him and how it is so important that we are on the same sheet of music before we take a step to do anything. 

We have a daughter to raise, and she will need her parents for guidance. Of course he wants us to stay married and together as a family, but unfortunately he didn’t want to continue counseling, and is dong his best to be patient with things. 

I am once again ready to go back to counseling to work on my own fear issues. Once I can get to a place of love and honesty within myself, confident in my decisions and in communicating to him, it is my hope that he will want to work through his own issues.  Truth of the matter is, that is his business and not mine.  I have to take care of my own feelings, think for myself and not fall into the codependent patterns of behavior that have crippled my true sense of being for as long as I can remember.
Chris K.
NY, NY
 

I’ve known I am bisexual since I was 15, but I’d never before actually been in a relationship with a woman. I’d never faced the question of whether to tell people she was my girlfriend or my “roommate.” I’d never heard the slurs and disgust, both murmured behind our backs and shouted to our faces, when we walked down the street hand in hand.

Finding SFWCO was like finding a haven. Although I’ve been more fortunate than many of our other members, with a loving, accepting family, supportive friends, and a generally tolerant city, SFWCO has still been a place to vent fears, to share with women who understand, and to work through new revelations about my sexuality and how it affects my identity. And best for me, as a result of my personal growth aided by the group, it’s a place for me to pass that opportunity on to the other women in the group. I am gratified to now be able to offer support, advice, and empathy to other members, all because of what Tracey and Kathy gave me four years ago when they admitted me to the group.
Frances
Philadelphia, PA
Member Support For Women Coming Out SFWCO